Tuesday, October 21, 2014


In one of my all-time favourite TV shows ("Person of Interest"), Elias once said that he drew strength from being alone. I used to feel the same until approximately two years ago when I saw this wonderful female and have since tried to become social against all odds.
Today, I tried to approach her again but failed... again. My muscles experienced the exact same dysfunctional drive as last time. In the end, when I finally summoned the courage to stand up, it was too late and the bell rang, signalling that we had to return to lessons. I was heartbroken but made a promise that I would continue to challenge my Approach anxiety. I didn't ever think it would be this hard.

Let me recount a previous encounter I had with her.

I guess she won't feel the same 

It was the end of year 11 at school. We had this tradition of 'shirt signings' whereby the leaving year group receive signatures from each other on their T-shirts. Initially, I didn't want to do it but then I found out that she was there. So I took off my jumper and walked into the crows with a felt tip pen at the ready. I hesitated and first asked a few boys to sign my shirt so I would look popular. Then I did it. I found her trapped in between people and walked up to her, smiling, and said "Random stranger signing?". Apparently, her beauty had paralysed my vocabulary as well. As she grabbed my shirt, my heart exploded. I leaned forward smelling her hair. Luckily, she didn't notice -- probably because I'm significantly taller than her. Then my brain froze. Honestly, I can't remember what happened afterwards. I couldn't even remember back then. Those few seconds as she walked away from me were never recorded by my brain. There were so many things I wanted to say, but she was gone. I didn't even return the favour and sign her shirt. I felt horrible.

Recently, I watched Dr. Horrible's sing-along blog, to which I honestly can relate to. In his case, however, he was approached by her. The conversation was cut off (like my case) but he had a way of initiating conversation with her since they met regularly at a place where both of them were alone. But it all ended in him accidentally killing her. Just great.

Tomorrow, expect me to either write about a Rejection or about how I again felt paralysed by her beauty. I don't understand it. Others don't find her as attractive as I do, and then again I don't find any other person on this planet attractive. At one point, I even thought I was gay but luckily that isn't true now that I know of her existence. She isn't anything special academically. Yet my knees fall weak at her sight. When I see, all I can sense is warmth and the desire to fulfil her every need. It's nothing sexual. When I told my friends that I would probably fail in ever gaining her as an emotional accomplice, they corrected me with "physical". Then I started thinking... Had I ever had impure thoughts regarding her? The answer was no. My heart wobbled, my soul was pulled, but my sexuality remained in tact.

I think beauty is the connection between two distinct and relatively abstract concepts within the realm of knowledge. For example, when I look at a person's face, I immediately think of it as an identifier -- a means of identifying them upon second meeting. However, when I see that one special girl. The one whom I find beautiful, I do not prioritise that specific idea. I don't prioritise what I will do in the future, but rather what I see in the moment. I associate that face with emotions, with a sense of duty, and so on.... okay, that got out of hand... no time for philosophy.

I think it's about time that I return to my Computer Science Homework.
For all the things I couldn't say, I'm sure THIS will make up for it.

Bon voyage!

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