Monday, June 15, 2015

Breaking the system

Hey people! Ever since my last post which I cannot even remember stuff has been happening which is so awesome I almost died of awesomeness:
  • Spat a poem at an audience of 200 people
  • Came up with the sweetest software idea ever!
  • Got mistaken for a burglar when at night I lost my way through the woods and  ended up  in a mansion 
Poetry is much easier than talking to an audience -- believe me, I've done both! The nice part is always when you look up and see the reaction of the crows. Some are completely lost, some in tears, some who know you in a completely different light (ahem, my Maths Teacher!) look so shocked you could swear that you saw them utter the three unholy word "what da fuq?!"

The software idea I will keep to myself for now in case any of you genius hackers choose to drop by (ahem, Rebecca) and steal it off me. All I can say for now is that it will help thousands of people study for their exams. It uses a machine learning algorithm which decomposes a specification through lexical analysis that has been adapted to... whoops, gave away a tad more than intended :/

Now for the worst part of my week. It feels awesome thinking back to it now but at the times I felt like concrete shit. I cannot phrase it any better. Utter concrete shit.

What happened was I hacked my cousins computer. He wasn't too happy about. Now this cousin of mine is known for his incredibly bad temper. Heck, when he was 8 he apparently decapitated his pet pigeon by accident. Luckily, I never saw it happen, but the rumor has stuck. Don't get me wrong here: He isn't aggressive, just incredibly pissed off by the slightest action. In this case, hacking his computer and making it display an ASCII middle finger in a command prompt, hence the picture to the right.

And how did he react? He dialed 999. Yes, the British police were about to jump on my tail. Getting arrested for trolling is one thing (you're usually despised by society), but getting arrested for hacking is another (you can lose your rights to study or even own a laptop and that would diminish any hopes of studying a technical subject at university!!!)

My reaction? I took my keys, wore my jacket and ran out of the apartment. I ran straight to the secret hideout that I've found and hid behind a tree. But guess what, my mother is mean enough to have told him where that was so he looked out of the window and I swear I could see him smiling. At this point I wasn't sure whether he was trolling or seriously considering putting me behind bars or worse.... getting some of my money.

I did the logical thing. I jumped the fence. How was I supposed to know that that fence lead into someone's backyard? Well, I didn't know until later on. At first, all I could see was darkness. So I just sat there not doing anything. Then. ehh.... not sure whether I should include this part but hey, you know, call of nature? Yeah, so I answered the call of nature (that includes both number 1 and 2). I could swear I heard a mouse nearby but I'm not an expert in animal sounds so let that pass.
Walking around, I noticed a nice slide and climbed and slid down (just like your average teenage Batman). I actually did it a couple of times before climbing a tree, scaring the pigeons which lived there and coming under fire from bird poop. Just great, I would spend the rest of my life in isolation of society. I jumped another fence and this time fell onto nettles. Yes, it hurt. A lot. Luckily, my coat stopped any upper body damage but I moved on, scared as ever. Crawling on all fours, I advanced feeling like a soldier. I said yes to life and grasped adventure by the neck. A fox passed in front of me which was awesome but that's not what grasped my attention....

I was on a large shed positioned right in front of the window of a family house where the family were having lunch! FUCK! I thought to myself. They should have heard me as I was crawling. Seriously, the brittle twigs that I had broken generated more sound than a rock band. I did the only thing I could: I froze like a statue. Now this should usually work (I think)... but it does you no good when your face is sticking out and the ~9 year old girl at the dining table stares directly at you and screams. I turned my back, ran straight behind a tree and froze standing straight. I could hear loud talking, caught my breath and ran to the woods. I got caught in the wired netting and couldn't remember how to get back to the start. The rest is in a haze but I basically found the fox again, jumped into some people's gardens and finally managed to get onto a road were I nearly got hit by a Bus. I walked the way back home and witnessed an Italian woman getting dragged around by two men. Life was shit as ever. Upon arriving, my fucking cousin just sat there looking at me with bloodshot eyes. The rest is family business but basically involves everyone laughing at me for running away and that he wasn't serious.

So the moral of the story? Run away when someone calls 999. Heavily recommended. You will feel like shit but also have a nice story to tell your friends. :D

P.S. I will say yes to everything unless if the person who is saying the request knows about what I do... in those cases, I will choose whether to agree or disagree. Nice calibration to the system to deal with trolls such as ahem... Radio < My fucking friend.

Til next time people!

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

An epic exam

First Maths exam out of the motherfucking way!
Excuse the unprecedented swearing, but I just saw this:

My favourite quote being "right eye... like a subsequent motherfucker"

How do I think the maths exam went?
Like this:

I am the biggest bastard on this planet. Here's why:
The woman at the front of my penis told us to start.
A few guys hyperventilated.
Some girls synchronised their pen clicks amongst other things.
But no matter where you looked, maths papers were being torn to shreds by thinking minds...
Unless of course you look at the desk that was mine.

I waited for two minutes.
The invigilators were shocked.
"Is he one of the dumb ones?" They must have thought,
unaware of my absolute genius.
As slow as Barack Obama's presidential speech, I opened the paper.

Just by looking at it, the question solved itself.
My Wizard Powers exploded, causing the guy next to me to orgasm in agony.
That dimwit struggled with the first part of the first question, while I zoomed to the end of the paper.
Without mercy, I closed it and sat there for ten minutes expecting the exam to end...

Only to realise that I had finished a ninety minute paper in sixteen sexy seconds minutes.

Just to make sure, I looked over it to find any errors.
An error!!!
What do we do?

I came out like a Boss.
Whilst the lower classes discussed their struggles, I walked out knowing I may have just bagged a 100%
That is one step closer to Cambridge.

On the Bus, one of my arch enemies friends made me question something though.
Is Cambridge fun?
I don't know.
I know UCL is fun.
Hmm... I'd love to watch a rap battle between Cambridge and UCL now,
 so I'll put up the closest thing to it in existence.

*Blog post terminated as I went off to do other stuff... like try to come up with a superhero story*

Thursday, May 7, 2015

7 deadly distractions for every guy

There are a seven deadly distractions all teenage boys face.
All of them involve the internet in one way or another.

Distraction #1 Girls
(sorry gay guys... comment below to petition against me)
Girls are, of course, the biggest distraction invented by God.

There are girls in school, in the family, at the bus stop, in music videos, the movies and, sadly... porn

So of course it's no surprise that most guys wank off at least once a day
...Any subject involving a Laptop is torture for them...

Then there are those of us who can afford not to fap.
I do Karate way too often to masturbate. And besides, I'm more of an emotional person.
I've considered it before, but I've been pretty deprived when I did. So I just ended up falling asleep... or looking at music videos and trolling twitter.

Distraction # 2 Games

Mindcraft players, piss off. Games ruin people. They turn you into this possibly pedophilic individual who should have never been born:

But mostly, you just end up becoming deprived, and addicted.
So what games have I been addicted to?
Here are some links you should NOT click on (hehehe... reverse psychology)

Bubble Trouble -- A game of skill || Deprivation factor: 100%
Grepolis -- A game of strategy || Deprivation factor: 80%
Clash Of Clans -- A game of awesomeness || Deprivation factor: 40%
Tribal Wars -- A game I have long deserted || Deprivation factor: 200%

Grepolis stole two years of my life. I became an infamous member of the world I played in.
I was ShinPads the great, leader of an alliance who trolled everyone... by becoming a double agent for the top two alliances. I was finally eliminated by myself when I realised GCSEs were upon me.

Distraction #3 Blogging

Blogging is addictive...

oh crap. See you around.

*Blog post terminated when Ramin realised he hadn't done his homework for 12 weeks in a row*

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Life during A-Levels

You can guess where I live. It's staring you right in the face. Land of the BBC, Queen, and UKIP

Great fucking Britain
 And like all Brits, my first year A Level exams are coming up next week.
Maths, Further Maths, Physics, Computer Science.
You read right.
Maths. Further Maths. Physics. Computer Science.

But why dude???
I should have become a Taxi Driver... I always wanted to have my own Taxi.
Instead I am taking the equivalent of kindergarten in China.
And this guy just wants me to commit suicide:

* This blog post was terminated as Ramin committed suicide watching the above video *