Monday, June 15, 2015

Breaking the system

Hey people! Ever since my last post which I cannot even remember stuff has been happening which is so awesome I almost died of awesomeness:
  • Spat a poem at an audience of 200 people
  • Came up with the sweetest software idea ever!
  • Got mistaken for a burglar when at night I lost my way through the woods and  ended up  in a mansion 
Poetry is much easier than talking to an audience -- believe me, I've done both! The nice part is always when you look up and see the reaction of the crows. Some are completely lost, some in tears, some who know you in a completely different light (ahem, my Maths Teacher!) look so shocked you could swear that you saw them utter the three unholy word "what da fuq?!"

The software idea I will keep to myself for now in case any of you genius hackers choose to drop by (ahem, Rebecca) and steal it off me. All I can say for now is that it will help thousands of people study for their exams. It uses a machine learning algorithm which decomposes a specification through lexical analysis that has been adapted to... whoops, gave away a tad more than intended :/

Now for the worst part of my week. It feels awesome thinking back to it now but at the times I felt like concrete shit. I cannot phrase it any better. Utter concrete shit.

What happened was I hacked my cousins computer. He wasn't too happy about. Now this cousin of mine is known for his incredibly bad temper. Heck, when he was 8 he apparently decapitated his pet pigeon by accident. Luckily, I never saw it happen, but the rumor has stuck. Don't get me wrong here: He isn't aggressive, just incredibly pissed off by the slightest action. In this case, hacking his computer and making it display an ASCII middle finger in a command prompt, hence the picture to the right.

And how did he react? He dialed 999. Yes, the British police were about to jump on my tail. Getting arrested for trolling is one thing (you're usually despised by society), but getting arrested for hacking is another (you can lose your rights to study or even own a laptop and that would diminish any hopes of studying a technical subject at university!!!)

My reaction? I took my keys, wore my jacket and ran out of the apartment. I ran straight to the secret hideout that I've found and hid behind a tree. But guess what, my mother is mean enough to have told him where that was so he looked out of the window and I swear I could see him smiling. At this point I wasn't sure whether he was trolling or seriously considering putting me behind bars or worse.... getting some of my money.

I did the logical thing. I jumped the fence. How was I supposed to know that that fence lead into someone's backyard? Well, I didn't know until later on. At first, all I could see was darkness. So I just sat there not doing anything. Then. ehh.... not sure whether I should include this part but hey, you know, call of nature? Yeah, so I answered the call of nature (that includes both number 1 and 2). I could swear I heard a mouse nearby but I'm not an expert in animal sounds so let that pass.
Walking around, I noticed a nice slide and climbed and slid down (just like your average teenage Batman). I actually did it a couple of times before climbing a tree, scaring the pigeons which lived there and coming under fire from bird poop. Just great, I would spend the rest of my life in isolation of society. I jumped another fence and this time fell onto nettles. Yes, it hurt. A lot. Luckily, my coat stopped any upper body damage but I moved on, scared as ever. Crawling on all fours, I advanced feeling like a soldier. I said yes to life and grasped adventure by the neck. A fox passed in front of me which was awesome but that's not what grasped my attention....

I was on a large shed positioned right in front of the window of a family house where the family were having lunch! FUCK! I thought to myself. They should have heard me as I was crawling. Seriously, the brittle twigs that I had broken generated more sound than a rock band. I did the only thing I could: I froze like a statue. Now this should usually work (I think)... but it does you no good when your face is sticking out and the ~9 year old girl at the dining table stares directly at you and screams. I turned my back, ran straight behind a tree and froze standing straight. I could hear loud talking, caught my breath and ran to the woods. I got caught in the wired netting and couldn't remember how to get back to the start. The rest is in a haze but I basically found the fox again, jumped into some people's gardens and finally managed to get onto a road were I nearly got hit by a Bus. I walked the way back home and witnessed an Italian woman getting dragged around by two men. Life was shit as ever. Upon arriving, my fucking cousin just sat there looking at me with bloodshot eyes. The rest is family business but basically involves everyone laughing at me for running away and that he wasn't serious.

So the moral of the story? Run away when someone calls 999. Heavily recommended. You will feel like shit but also have a nice story to tell your friends. :D

P.S. I will say yes to everything unless if the person who is saying the request knows about what I do... in those cases, I will choose whether to agree or disagree. Nice calibration to the system to deal with trolls such as ahem... Radio < My fucking friend.

Til next time people!

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