But then I realised. None of these thoughts were from my life... And so I tried to track my life from the very beginning to the present. Many memories were rediscovered; memories that I haven't considered for years.
I remembered how I used to go to Kindergarten in Germany. How I had once planned with my friend to dig in the sand corner until we made a dungeon leading to my home country. How there was this little boy who used to eat sand, and how I spied on him whilst he was sleeping with another girl my age. Truly, she was the only girl I've ever been befriended with (with the exception of another who was very, very, violent). How could I have forgotten her though? I can't believe that after so many years, I still remember her. I even remembered the first spaceship I drew, and how I was criticised by it. The time I went to collect conkers with my father. When my family was still together and we used to go out in the snow. The time my Father found out that my grandmother had died; my cousin hadn't said a word and yet the message had come through -- as though via telepathy. How I learnt reading and writing seven weeks later than everyone else in Germany. How I was the worst at Maths and mocked by my Teacher for only getting a single question right in a Test. How my friend and I overcame our fear of stepping into the rain as we pretended to be soldiers in Afghanistan. How I lied to him about a set of Power Ranger Cards and ended up drawing my own to trick him. How I moved to England, and the last day I ever saw my school back in Germany. How I was taken into school over here... There were thousands of more memories. I won't list them all...
But it brought a tear to my eye how I could have ever forgot so much.
Truly, I never had a social life outside of school. At home I would always conduct conversations with myself or with my Teddy Bear even when I became significantly older. That's probably what allowed me to progress in Maths so much. From being the worst in the school, I progressed up the ranks to become the very best in my school, let alone borough. I beat the chinese and all because I was alone. I drew strength from the fact that I was alone. But for some reason I no longer have that same capability. I wondered why and I found out whilst meditating. It's her; the girl. I finally recalled the first time I saw her. The people around me didn't matter. I just stared at her while she didn't notice me. I involuntarily described her in an improvised German poem to one of my friends who looked at me in amazement. Whenever I saw her with a boy, I didn't feel jealous but rather wanted to know if he was good enough for her. I ended up judging myself and I passed my test. I had no social skills in the area of relationships -- at least none that could ever be implemented.
So what should I say? Meditating and focusing truly caused me to remember things I've never spent time recalling. Things I thought never existed. And it only to took a little bit of focus. Sadly, I wasn't able to control my mind and make it quiet. That will be the goal of my next time meditating...
Tomorrow is another day. I hope to finally break free from this social pressure that I always feel and finally approach her. I don't know if I'll be able to do it, but let's hope for the best.
Bis morgen!
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