Still here!

Don't worry planet! I'm still here :D

The reason I haven't written anything recently, people, is because I have dramatically developed a life worthy of person with my calibre! 

In the previous few days I have walked the whole of London in search of awesomeness. During that period, I pretty much said yes to anything that came my way and boy did I adventure!

First, I became mixed up in a searching mission around the whole of London where one searched for clues to find one of several prizes around the city -- reward: free set of headphones. Did I win anything? Yes, but only one :( Which was still enough to keep me happy though.
Then I attended a Mathematical Talk near Liverpool Street. Sure, it was one of the more boring things I've ever done (partially because because I knew EVERYTHING they talked about), but I did get to reunite with one of my former Maths Teachers who told me that he's now studying a phd -- just as I had once recommended to him.
Then of course, I performed a variety of awesome things which I could never have seen myself doing
before:

• I showed an old man to Euston Station (a place I hadn't even heard of before) and ... regrettably... watched how a woman was robbed of her shopping by two older men. 
• I went "free-running" with a bunch of youngsters. It was pretty cool until the police interrupted. No charges faced, lucky for me.
• I got to be "friends" some Police officers. And it turns out, they were into some.. ahem, sexually explicit... movies that I didn't want to be a part of. 
•  I bumped into a bunch of men wearing suits and running along at full speed. They came from my back so I was honestly shocked to see a filming team in hot pursuit! what on earth, I thought to myself. Later as I was watching Doctor Who on BBC iplayer, it turned out that they were the candidates for The Apprentice. Had I only kidnapped one of them. I would've been rich!
• I bumped into some religious looking dude. At first I was thinking, damn, another one of those Christian N00bs. It turned out he was Jewish, and thought that I was too. I have no problem with Jews so I just said "Shalom", hugged him and walked away. 

Darn it! My mother is telling me to sleep since I haven't turned the computer off in the last two days... I've been taking this online course on programming languages in hope of writing my own programming language. Don't get me wrong here, I'm awesome at programming; I just don't have the deep theoretical understanding of this course yet. 

So until next time.

Cia.

P.S. My mother is so going to destroy my computer and blow the Internet Connection. Don't expect anything from me for another few days. 

You can guess...

All right, you could guess this. Yes, I froze in her beauty to the point that I rushed to the door so that it wouldn't shut in front of her. Yes, we had the kind of eye contact that made me that makes me think that there could be a slim probability that she likes me. Yes, I'm aware that I am probably wrong with that.

Now I'm done with that, time for some studies.

Well... I got my target grade of an A* in A-Level Physics today... then, in Further Maths, I aced a past paper from the senior Maths challenge to the surprise of both myself and my Teacher. To be honest, I hadn't even checked whether that had been a UKMT or not.

Great. Now my genius is on display for everyone. I even got called over by the careers office to talk about attending these Cambridge events I'm really not into. Yet, the thing that I most desire is not mine to be with.

Poetry Club... I wrote an okay poem today, though it clearly superseded the works of the other people there despite their speciality having been English Literature. 

The task was to find two verbs, two nouns, and two adjectives from the dictionary -- each of which had the same starting letter. Given that there were five of us, we would then mix the words so that we had a set of words at our disposal which we would have to embed within the poem.

Clearly, we were all shocked at the task ahead. When I got my word list, I couldn't make a single comparison between them. What on earth did a Dodecahedron have to do with Disenfranchising something? So then I thought to myself... This Anthony guy chose the task; not me. Let's turn the tables and write a poem on how difficult it is for me to write a poem and to shed some light on why on earth I -- a Maths, Physics and Computer Science student -- am in a Poetry club. At the end, time was running out so I really wanted to shout Fuck! but instead, I just used some fancy alliteration to hint at my nervousness.

So here it is...

These catastrophic clauses seem impalpable

As Flotsam inundates my mind dead.

Yet Anthony forces its contents into a Tank

Spinning, my life is etched into the edges.

The edges of a Dodecahedron --

where I only have twelve months left;

my time runs out.

Yet still this discursive poem consumes

my talent --

Disenfranchising the Physics:

Dismembering the knowledge within me.

As I fail to finish fumbling for words,

my only hope is in iniquity.

I'll admit, it's not my best. But hey, that's what you get at 4 'o' clock in the afternoon from a tired Mathematician. 

Tomorrow, I have to leave home late for some Computing and then finally troll my former Maths Teacher... I'm not going to give any details just yet to avoid jeopardising the mission but here's an outline:

• My former Maths Teacher from Oxford University and I always used to play chess. He was the guy who made me good at the subject... to the point where I started beating him (go figure).
• He also volunteered to disprove every single Mathematical Theory that I ever came up with (including Angle Trisection, an infinitely small number, a proof of the recurrence of a certain cellular automata and so on...)
• He left the school a few months ago without ever telling me... clearly, my friend and I were sad to have lost such a legend.
  
• I once built a search engine (no, I won't tell you what it's called) which is based on Google but works slightly better, mainly because of its socially orientated algorithms that aim to exploit information that is relevant to me... well, this search engine returned some details on my former Maths Teacher (ahem, Twitter) from where it then found out a mathematical talk that he will be having. 
• I intend to go there and listen to what he's got to say... could be fun. But because I'm ever so good at hacking, I managed to give myself out as a visiting professor specialising in Topology. He will be the only person there who will know. Should be funny.

By the way, don't expect me to ask the girl out tomorrow since her school has half-term now... I won't see her tomorrow :(

Anyway, let me return to work. 

Acceptance

No.

In one of my all-time favourite TV shows ("Person of Interest"), Elias once said that he drew strength from being alone. I used to feel the same until approximately two years ago when I saw this wonderful female and have since tried to become social against all odds.

Today, I tried to approach her again but failed... again. My muscles experienced the exact same dysfunctional drive as last time. In the end, when I finally summoned the courage to stand up, it was too late and the bell rang, signalling that we had to return to lessons. I was heartbroken but made a promise that I would continue to challenge my Approach anxiety. I didn't ever think it would be this hard.

Let me recount a previous encounter I had with her.

I guess she won't feel the same 

It was the end of year 11 at school. We had this tradition of 'shirt signings' whereby the leaving year group receive signatures from each other on their T-shirts. Initially, I didn't want to do it but then I found out that she was there. So I took off my jumper and walked into the crows with a felt tip pen at the ready. I hesitated and first asked a few boys to sign my shirt so I would look popular. Then I did it. I found her trapped in between people and walked up to her, smiling, and said "Random stranger signing?". Apparently, her beauty had paralysed my vocabulary as well. As she grabbed my shirt, my heart exploded. I leaned forward smelling her hair. Luckily, she didn't notice -- probably because I'm significantly taller than her. Then my brain froze. Honestly, I can't remember what happened afterwards. I couldn't even remember back then. Those few seconds as she walked away from me were never recorded by my brain. There were so many things I wanted to say, but she was gone. I didn't even return the favour and sign her shirt. I felt horrible.

Recently, I watched Dr. Horrible's sing-along blog, to which I honestly can relate to. In his case, however, he was approached by her. The conversation was cut off (like my case) but he had a way of initiating conversation with her since they met regularly at a place where both of them were alone. But it all ended in him accidentally killing her. Just great.

Tomorrow, expect me to either write about a Rejection or about how I again felt paralysed by her beauty. I don't understand it. Others don't find her as attractive as I do, and then again I don't find any other person on this planet attractive. At one point, I even thought I was gay but luckily that isn't true now that I know of her existence. She isn't anything special academically. Yet my knees fall weak at her sight. When I see, all I can sense is warmth and the desire to fulfil her every need. It's nothing sexual. When I told my friends that I would probably fail in ever gaining her as an emotional accomplice, they corrected me with "physical". Then I started thinking... Had I ever had impure thoughts regarding her? The answer was no. My heart wobbled, my soul was pulled, but my sexuality remained in tact.

I think beauty is the connection between two distinct and relatively abstract concepts within the realm of knowledge. For example, when I look at a person's face, I immediately think of it as an identifier -- a means of identifying them upon second meeting. However, when I see that one special girl. The one whom I find beautiful, I do not prioritise that specific idea. I don't prioritise what I will do in the future, but rather what I see in the moment. I associate that face with emotions, with a sense of duty, and so on.... okay, that got out of hand... no time for philosophy.

I think it's about time that I return to my Computer Science Homework.
For all the things I couldn't say, I'm sure THIS will make up for it.

Bon voyage!

Report back

Honestly, I'm shocked that I actually spent an hour meditating. It only felt like ten minutes...

At the start I was trying to push my thoughts away. It didn't work well, so I let my thoughts run wild. I perfectly recalled the storyline of the recent 'Person of Interest' episodes that I've watched. I recalled 'Doctor Who', the code I'd written, story lines that I've read, etc. I found it incredible that I was able to remember such a wide scope of information.
But then I realised. None of these thoughts were from my life... And so I tried to track my life from the very beginning to the present. Many memories were rediscovered; memories that I haven't considered for years.

I remembered how I used to go to Kindergarten in Germany. How I had once planned with my friend to dig in the sand corner until we made a dungeon leading to my home country. How there was this little boy who used to eat sand, and how I spied on him whilst he was sleeping with another girl my age. Truly, she was the only girl I've ever been befriended with (with the exception of another who was very, very, violent). How could I have forgotten her though? I can't believe that after so many years, I still remember her. I even remembered the first spaceship I drew, and how I was criticised by it. The time I went to collect conkers with my father. When my family was still together and we  used to go out in the snow. The time my Father found out that my grandmother had died; my cousin hadn't said a word and yet the message had come through -- as though via telepathy. How I learnt reading and writing seven  weeks later than everyone else in Germany. How I was the worst at Maths and mocked by my Teacher for only getting a single question right in a Test. How my friend and I overcame our fear of stepping into the rain as we pretended to be soldiers in Afghanistan. How I lied to him about a set of Power Ranger Cards and ended up drawing my own to trick him. How I moved to England, and the last day I ever saw my school back in Germany. How I was taken into school over here... There were thousands of more memories. I won't list them all...

But it brought a tear to my eye how I could have ever forgot so much.

Truly, I never had a social life outside of school. At home I would always conduct conversations with myself or with my Teddy Bear even when I became significantly older. That's probably what allowed me to progress in Maths so much. From being the worst in the school, I progressed up the ranks to become the very best in my school, let alone borough. I beat the chinese and all because I was alone. I drew strength from the fact that I was alone. But for some reason I no longer have that same capability. I wondered why and I found out whilst meditating. It's her; the girl. I finally recalled the first time I saw her. The people around me didn't matter. I just stared at her while she didn't notice me. I involuntarily described her in an improvised German poem to one of my friends who looked at me in amazement. Whenever I saw her with a boy, I didn't feel jealous but rather wanted to know if he was good enough for her. I ended up judging myself and I passed my test. I had no social skills in the area of relationships -- at least none that could ever be implemented.

So what should I say? Meditating and focusing truly caused me to remember things I've never spent time recalling. Things I thought never existed. And it only to took a little bit of focus. Sadly, I wasn't able to control my mind and make it quiet. That will be the goal of my next time meditating...

Tomorrow is another day. I hope to finally break free from this social pressure that I always feel and finally approach her. I don't know if I'll be able to do it, but let's hope for the best.

Bis morgen!

Thoughts vs Actions

I froze.

Today I truly felt how I am a slave to

society. I was just sitting there, staring ahead at the beautiful girl whom I've always wanted to talk to, my two friends urging me to approach. My mind worked in algorithms, computing up to ten different methodologies I could use to initiate conversation.

The best one, in my opinion, was when her friend rested against the window edge to gain wifi access. My plan was to approach her and reason with her that it would be funny if we were to pretend to be old friends (or even lovers) so as to pull a practical prank on her friend -- that is, once she would turn back around. It was beautifully thought out. I had five minutes just to get up... but I didn't do it. It felt as though my legs were stuck to the couch, and my arms were nailed against the walls. I even remembered watching the video on the 6 Rules to success. I remembered most things I had thought about yesterday but it was all in a blurry haze as though I was a different person.

That is why I think that I must meditate today... it will help me feel grounded so that I may draw strength from within.

No clue how centre of balance is maintained here.

My Karate master once told me that there should be no difference in our feeling whether we were to fight on a road, on a boat, on a tree, or even underwater. As far as fighting is concerned, I have abided by this law. But with my personality, not so much. 

Okay, I'm first going to check if I have any homework.

Then, I will meditate. I'll write back on how it felt and all that other creepy stuff. In case you're wondering where I got my 'How to meditate guide' from... then let me just say that I hacked it from a secret psychokinetic society a while back -- yeah, creepy.

Anyway, Adios amigo... at least for now. :D

FML

F*** my life :D

It's pretty dull right now, but don't worry! I'm in the process of fixing it.

Hmm... let's see. According to Schwarzenegger, there are the following six rules to keep in mind:

1. Trust yourself
2. Break some Rules
3. Don't be afraid to fail
4. Ignore the Naysayers
5. Work like Hell
6. Give something back

Which is probably why he always used to say "I'm back" in his movies... anyway...

First off, Status check:

• I study Maths, Further Maths, Physics and Computer Science at Sixth Form (yeah, England)
• I speak three languages + some French, and know plenty of computer languages. 
• I take tons of online courses from coursera.org, udacity.com, and edx.org so I know way more than your average student. 
• I have a Black belt in Karate and origami... but I've lost some of my skill over the years.
• I'm okay at Poetry and writing. Not to show off, but I turned up at a Poetry Club for English students and was favoured above all of them by the Teacher. 
• I spend most of my time at home. If I do decide to go outside, I end up walking along deserted roads and wondering how awesome it would be to have friends outside of school.
• My only close friend is a mute. He never talks and we're both nerd though most people confess that we don't look like that at all. Plus, it's impossible for me to speak to girls.. literally. My chosen subjects are all technical and no girls can be found in a ten mile radius of me. 
• Sad thing is, I have a huge crush on one girl, at my sixth form... but I also fancy another female at another school that I go to (she's in my computing class). The first one doesn't know me at all and the other one things I'm a legend at computing but probably that I'm a nerd as well. 
• I have a clearly observable split personality disorder. Yes... many people have told me this. I seem incredible stressed in certain situations, and awesome at others. I've found out that I'm pretty cool when there is a certain thing to focus on. But if I'm, say, at a canteen I tend to fiddle and be nervous because there isn't a specific problem to solve.

Now I know what I'm like right now... time to apply Arnold's rulez:

Trust myself. I honestly don't know who I am at the moment. So the best way I think I can achieve this is through self-reflection... i.e. I will start meditating. I've wanted to make this a habit for a while, but my brain is never quiet. Time to make it so! Secondly, I want to take this cool online course on Dante's Divine comedy because it apparently addresses the question of Who am I? Now believe me when I say I've taken a ton of online courses so far. The problem is, those were all technical. This one's going to be different. 

Break some Rules and don't be afraid to fail. To be honest, the only reason I don't approach that girl is because I'm scared of what other people will think; I have had a strict German upbringing. I also fear rejection... but I do know how to communicate with girls. I've read a ton of pick-up books and know the theory. I just need to get over fear of failure and fear of judgement. But you know what brain?! My life is finite, I will regret missed opportunities more than mistakes. IDGAF about what others will think. I'm just going to approach and get it over and done with because I've had this fucking crush for over two years now!

Ignore the Naysayers and work like hell. I want to be successful and go down in history as an awesome guy (hopefully this blog will be left out of the media content). My current goal is getting into the cambridge maths undergraduate masters programme. So I am making this promise that I will work incredibly hard to get a sexy set of A-Level results and study for the STEP exam. Money is also a problem, so I will have to implement my money making strategy (I've thought it out well but have yet to use it).

Give something back. I'm already doing this by giving my help to German Lessons at my school... but I think I need to do more so I'm going to write a set of e-books teaching people all the skillz I have picked up across my years of intense study. 

Honestly... if only I could get a job in infield leaflet distribution, as in handing out leaflets to people in public places. I'd be so epic at it. I would make the charity/company RICH... YES, I will do that too. But not now, because I'm not prioritising it.